I picked up my copy of Peter Elbow’s, Writing without Teachers last night. Looking for a bit of inspiration to jumpstart my writing … AGAIN! I was reminded to do my freewriting each day. I know this is the key that helps unlock the mystery in my head. It is sort of like de-fragging a computer. Freewriting allows me to dump all those little parts of information that are floating around in my head and try to put them back where they belong so that it will all make sense.
Two of the children had dentist’s appointments today. We are trying to catch up on dental care. We have terrible dental insurance and haven’t made it a financial priority. My youngest two went last month and the youngest was fine but the second youngest had to have two baby root canals and two fillings. I was feeling hopeful today when the dentist came out and said that Drew was fine … but Grace had two cavities. Ugh. We are giving the dentist’s office quite a hefty payment each month but at this rate, we will never be caught up. When we do, it is on to orthodontic care … and I don’t even want to think what is in store for my husband and me.
I felt so heavy as I walked out of the dentist’s office. The thought that came to mind is that if this is the measure of a mother … the number of cavities in a child’s mouth … then I don’t measure up. I immediately began to try to squelch that thought but it has stalked me all day. According to the world’s standard, I am not sure I am a good mother. No, I cannot use that as my standard … but … but … but … God’s standard is so much higher! Just read I Corinthians 13 or Galatians 5 or even my favorite verse to quote at my children, “Let no unwholesome words come out of your mouth but only what is useful for building others up according to their needs” I am falling even farther below the mark.
The day has been full of my hiding in my room and weeping and crying out to the Lord. I am feeling huge attack right now. I have prayed for God’s angels to hedge me in because I don’t feel strong enough to fight this battle. I know my biggest vulnerability is feeling like I am not doing enough. It seems that the constant message in my head is a list of things that I haven’t done or that I haven’t done well.
I haven’t devoted myself to studying God’s word.
I haven’t started exercising.
I haven’t been eating properly and haven’t made sure that my family is eating well.
I haven’t motivated my children to do their jobs well.
I haven’t, I haven’t, I haven’t … I can’t go into the list. I am trying to stay away from that torrent tonight.
This is probably all hormonal as that time is just around the corner. But, knowing that doesn’t make getting through it any easier. So, I come to the end of my ten minutes and don’t know that I have made any progress toward identifying the measure of a mother, only to still be mired down in my inadequacy.
This isn’t a very encouraging post but I think you will understand.
Immersed in the Mystery,
