It is almost 2:00 in the morning and what am I doing? No one will believe me . . . I am downloading samples of Tapestry of Grace! What am I thinking?!?!
I don’t really know what I am thinking. I am trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing. What we are supposed to be doing. I am feeling discontent and unsatisfied with my children’s education. Tiny worries are burrowing through my brain. “What if’s” abound. I wonder if I am doing them a disservice by unschooling them. I question if I am preparing them well enough for life. I run from the internal accusations that we have not done enough, that it has been a failed experiment, that unschooling doesn’t work after all.
Today, I sat and filled out a form for each of my jr. high and highschool students for their Youth Minster. Two questions.
• What is your greatest desire for your child?
• Is there anything you would like me to know about your child?
I had to keep from writing a five page essay for each one. My greatest desires for them don’t include jobs, careers, fortune, fame, homes or families. My greatest desires include knowing God intimately, growing in His wisdom, knowing His unique plan and purpose for their lives, developing a heart of worship and life of servanthood. I can go on and on about the wonderful attributes of my children. They are kind, generous, compassionate, dedicated, sensitive, strong, gentle.
So, what is the problem? Fear, I guess. Fear of their future. Again, the “what if’s” are dominating my thought process. It is as if encouragement that I have been giving others for years means nothing to me now. I am ready to recant. I am ready to bolt to the other side and immerse ourselves in classical literature based studies.
Earlier today, I was confident that God was calling me off the unschooling journey and leading down another path and then tonight I am not so sure. Maybe part is that if we are not going to unschool, if we are going to have structured subject learning . . . I want a plan! I don’t want to work it out myself; I just want to do what someone else has prepared. But that’s still not God’s plan. I have to follow Him. Hmmm, now maybe I am getting to the crux of this issue.
As in SO many areas of my life, I want the plan, the formula, the recipe. That’s just not God’s style. He has a plan but it looks nothing like what I want it to look like. He is a God of order but what I perceive as order may not be the order He has in mind.
Why oh why can’t I just learn to trust Him? Isn’t that what I want my children to do . . .isn’t trusting God the core of all my desires for them? Could it be that I am making this far more complicated than it needs to be? Probably. I confused myself with more and more knowledge.
I read about this method and that method and some of one sounds good and parts of others sound not-so-good and constantly, I am just wanting to collect more information. Instead of just DOING something! Oh, and I love to plan. I will plan and schedule and write it all out. Spend hours and hours planning. Then do nothing.
Oooh, yuck, nasty confessions I am making tonight. Will you still respect me in the morning?
So, maybe I already have all I need to get started and maybe I can just trust God to add unto us what we will need as we go along. Yeah, I am thinking that is probably the case. So, maybe, now I can just go to bed and get some sleep.
Good night, Ya’ll!
Immersed in the Mystery,
Cynthia
Related Tags: Unschool, Unschooled, Unschooling
