I am not who I was but it seems I have become who I was born to be.

Somewhere along the way, I lost myself in the twisted personal and imposed interpretations of scripture, of God, of life in Christ. I didn’t know it then but like an arsenic drip, the rules and regulations were poisoning me and I was slowly dying. It was a life of never being good enough, of striving to be acceptable, of judgment upon myself and upon others. So many years spent there that it was familiar; I knew how to interact with people.

Almost ten years ago, that universe cracked and I began to see the false world I was inhabiting. The fallacy of formulaic living was exposed. I took advantage of the stream of light that I saw through the fissure and ran as hard as I could toward it, panting to escape the toxic environment.

Like driving into the sun, I was blinded and could hardly make my way. I was very unsure of who I was or how to live but at least I was breathing again.

It is sadly humorous to say that that was the beginning of an awakening to music again. The soundtrack of my life had been silenced by labels of secular and evil. One of the first to capture my soul, to describe my journey when I couldn’t find the words was Drops of Jupiter by Train.

Drops of Jupiter

Now that shes back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there’s time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Now that shes back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there’s time to grow, hey, hey

Now that shes back in the atmosphere
I’m afraid that she might think of me as plain ol jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you’re wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way

I was out there somewhere trying to find myself which was hugely ironic since I had judged and mocked that concept.  While roaming through the atmosphere, I don’t think I had fully realized what I had lost and what I needed to find.  Eventually, there was an awareness that I was picking up the pieces of me that had been blasted apart and discarded.

A common theme for me during that time was mosaics.  I even started writing a song, with no musical background.  I’d love for someone with some inspiration and know-how to help me finish it:

Mosaic Dreams

Mosaic dreams fill my mind

Bits and Piece of an unlived life

Red and blue, purple and gold

Revealing pictures of secrets untold

I am tired of crying, I am tired of sighing

I am tired of lying to myself and everyone I know

I am scared of dying, I am scared of trying

But I’m more scared of denying

who I am and who I’m meant to be

It was my plea to God to take those pieces of me and recreate me. I believe that is a prayer that has been answered.

As I have returned from my “soul vacation”, re-entry has not been easy.  I couldn’t relate to people in the same way; I was  fearful that I wouldn’t be accepted for who I am now and it made friendships awkward.  Sadly, I am afraid, I may have hurt people along the way and for that I am deeply sorry.  My hope is being restored as I find truth in the simple words, Love Wins.  Those that love me, accept me.  Why did I ever question that?  I rejoice in having my trust renewed.

I have never been more confident in who I am and sure of the Truth that holds me.  God’s love, grace and mercy astounds me more than ever.  For the first time, I am excited about this life in Christ.

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