A bit of having to write my heart this morning. Having to because it is near bursting out of me.

Sometimes I know the right path for me because of how fearful I feel about it.  No sense of calm or peace but of absolute resistance.  This is one of those moments.  And I am frustrated trying to put words to it all and figure out what it means.  And there is a small part of me that wants to know the answers … heck I’d be happy with knowing the questions … before I write anything here.  And I know that I am not supposed to start one sentence, much less three in a row, with the word And.  That is how my brain is working this morning.

This past weekend, I attended The Gathering at St. Michaels Episcopal Church in Raleigh, NC.  My intention for the weekend? One thing. Meet Patti Digh.

And met her I did … here’s the proof!


I call Patti my hero, a mentor, someone who has inspired me to live differently.  And with those words today, I am brought up short. Really?  Really Cynthia?  Are you living your life differently?

This weekend I was slammed with the realization that the answer to that question most probably is no.  Since I have been home, there have been several confirmation that I need to shift into a different gear, a lower gear probably.

Let me talk about the weekend just a moment.  I went there alone with the sole purpose, like I said, to meet Patti.  I thought this was an annual event at St. Michaels and that there would probably be people from all over heading that way. No.  I was one of a very few who were not members or attendees of St. Michaels.  Let me just say this was a wonderful, warm group of women. So many made the time to talk to me, to ask me about why I was there and about my life, to welcome me to sit with them.  I felt very welcomed.

But I recognized something in myself.  It was the desperate attempt to be accepted, to win approval, to make my life seem interesting and valid.  I had the mask on, wearing my clever as loud as I could. That is not to say that anything I said was not true or that I amplified my life to be other than what it is.  The best way I can describe it is that whenever I was talking with someone my mind was racing to think of how to present myself in a way that would exude confidence and accomplishment.

The paradox of this is that I was trying so hard because my self-worth is so shaky but at the same time it is a very self centered mindset because while I was frantically searching for a mask to wear, I wasn’t focused on the person I was talking to.

So I have come home with this painful awareness of myself and I am carrying some big questions in my head and in my heart.

The main one and the biggest is why am I frantically trying to do the things that I am doing.  Why do I blog?  Why do I sign up for this challenge and that class?  Why do I join every ning community that remotely sounds interesting?  Why do I check and recheck any blog post or facebook status for comments?

The ugly truth is that I am seeking approval and recognition.  I am relying on others to give value to my life work.  (and I am not even sure that I know what that life work is!) In a short Patti lesson … I have split intentions.  I want to speak my voice but I want to be loved as well. Two different things.  I am more concerned with being heard  than with speaking.  On the surface, that sentence hardly makes sense but sitting with it for awhile and it so clear.

So I am spread here and there in different places, fragments of me floating all over the internet.  But  I am not present in my own life.

And this has to change.

My theme word for this year is mosaic.  I entered 2011 aware of how fragmented my life has become and determined to bring all the pieces back together and recreate myself into a beautiful whole mosaic.Here I am facing the reality of that and what it might mean for me and the social network of the internet.

The fear gremlin is screaming at me!  But if you blog less, you will be less known!  We all know that to be a successful blogger you have to actually blog consistently.  But if you leave these various communities, no one will know who you are or know the art that you are producing!  But if you shut the computer down and spend time living your life you will be left behind in this fast-moving social networking world!

But … but … but …

here is what I know.

I am tired of chasing affirmation and recognition and dreaming bigger and trying to live bigger.  I want to live smaller.  I want simpler and less cluttered and deeper.  Not bigger … deeper. I am tired of other opinions of myself (even if it is positive) matter more than my own realization. I am tired of not trusting my own spirit in how to live my life.  I want less voices in my head and the ones that are there I want to be ones that matter.  I want to read less books but I want them to be books that make a difference even if they are just a bit of warm sunshine on a cold day.  I want less news and less political games and less theology.  Less. less. less

So that there can be more.

More time with my kids, more hope, more painting, more knowing who I am, more believing better about the world, more laughter and love.

What does this all mean?  I haven’t a clue!  LOL!  That’s not true. I do have an inkling, small ideas.

The stripping process will begin, it has to.

I am ready to put down my clever, take off the mask, say my words whether anyone else thinks they are important or not. And allow myself to choose quiet and silence if I need to.

For this morning, I am ready to turn this computer off and be with myself and with my family.

Grace and Peace!






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