Starting over.

I write a lot about starting over, beginning again. As I came to the keyboard today, to write, to write myself into some clarity and answers, internally I am berating myself for having to start over … again.

But why?  Why get lost in a cycle of self-abuse, of questioning myself, of belittling myself?  The reality is that I need to start again. So, I will. Today. Because as a wise woman has written, every day is a day one. 

Today, Thursday, April 28, 2011 is day one so I will begin again. 

I need to because in the middle of the night, I had a realization. I have been chasing the unattainable. I have exhausted a lot of energy trying to manifest something in myself that would not, could not fill the emptiness for someone else.  That effort has left me feeling broken, damaged, not enough. 

Here is the truth.  I can’t jump through those hoops anymore. The expectations are so arbitrary and elusive but I have tried to make sense of them all.Last night I realized that it doesn’t matter if I do the routine perfectly it still won’t be perfect, it still won’t be enough. And I just have to accept that. 

In the face of this, what does it mean to start again?  Well, honestly, I am not sure.  I hope to create a path to find out though.  A path of honoring myself, of nurturing myself, of being healthy and strong and focused … so that I won’t be the ringmaster demanding a performance of someone else. 

Wow. Look what just showed up.  Truth. Painful truth but truth.  I recognize that I have fallen into that role as ringmaster because it is one I know so well.  I have become a mirror, a reflection of the very thing that hurts me most and have been projecting that back and toward others in my life.

photo by spiesteleviv via PhotoRee

The first step in starting over will be in acknowledging  my own role in the three-ring circus of madness.  The second step is putting down my baton and walking out of the Big Top.  That begins today because today is day one.

I am moving far, far away from the circus.  yeah, yeah, I know the circus is a traveling one and may come to my town occasionally. But just because it is near, doesn’t mean  I have to attend and I certainly don’t have to participate.

I know that I and my choices will continue to be misunderstood.  But I can’t control that.  I know in my heart that all along my motives have been pure.  I have tried to do the best thing, the right thing and that is what matters.  I know the truth. I know my heart and I am not broken, I am not damaged and most importantly, I am enough.


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