I am planning a funeral,
a letting go,
a burning of what was.
I am setting myself free
throwing on the fire
all that is undone
all the chains that wrap around me
and hold me captive to unknowing.
Here I am today in the knowing place.
In a place of recognition,
and there is no room for some things.
For things started and abandoned
for words written down in haste
for prayers of guilt
It all has to go away to make room for me.
I am so completely whole
that I am taking up more space now.
There is no room for the unknowing.
I cannot go back to that.
I want first days
and first words
and first strokes
and first journals
and first projects.
Those are my legacy now.
Will I write of myself from then?
But when I write of myself,
I will not write of the broken girl.
I will write of a young woman
who was stronger than she realized,
who knew things about life and living.
Who was the trickle of water that would become a flowing river,
coursing through life making a new way, a good way.
I will write of a young woman who had beautiful intentions,
who loved more than she showed,
who was a fighter for what she loved and believed in.
A woman whose deepest desire was to create … life, beauty, goodness.
A woman who believed and trusted.
From this day on I will look back and speak
Sharing this moment . . .
reading Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese
hearing my boys play Wii Football
listening to more Sunday Services
watching Big Bang Theory
seeing a house in need of some care
smelling the lingering scent of ocean water and sunblock
tasting reheated coffee
feeling fired up
thinking of five things I want to accomplish today