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While making breakfast yesterday, I thought about writing and blogging and I concluded to myself that there is no reason not to write every single day. My life is not mundane. Besides these people that I live with (yes, it is my affectionate term for my husband and children), I have lots of interests.
However, I am relieving myself of the pressure of writing compelling posts. It doesn’t always to be be the best, the most well formed or even inspirational. It just has to be what it is.
Tonight is a night that is a little raw. I guess that would be the best way to describe my thoughts and emotions. Just when I think that I am cruising along, leaving behind some issues, I am blindsided by something that takes me right back to a place of feeling vulnerable and wrong.
See, I made a commitment back in January to give God one year. Though I don’t define the Christian walk exclusively by church attendance, I know for me that would mean committing to a church community for this year. For some reason, I have never been able to let go of the desire for that expression of faith with all that it brings … the liturgy, the prayers, the communion. Is that all it brings though? Tonight I was reminded that no, there is much more. And I am struggling to figure out my place in it.
For there to be those things that I value, that draw me, there are bills to be paid. Rent, salaries, equipment. I know this but really, I just don’t want to know, to really deal with it. Focusing on noses and the nickels those noses can bring in just seems contrary to true message of Jesus.
I am feeling at odds with myself. The desire to remain true to my heart, to not compromise my own convictions is so strong. But at the same time, I have to know that the structure that is defined as the church is just what it is. I don’t have the energy to argue whether it should exist or not. I am more interested in being a compelling voice that drawn attention to the more we can be.
This all sounds good in theory but I don’t know how to live it out. Tonight, I put myself in an awkward and vulnerable place. For a few moments, I was rushed along with the rhetoric and almost joined in the fray of defending what I thought would be best when really none of it matters. Just choose something and lets move along to something that will really make a difference in the world. See, I know not to put myself in those positions. I can argue about non important, trivial things with the best of them.
When I took a few breathes, the reality of the situation closed in on me and all I could think was, “Does this really matter” I realized that it doesn’t.
My dilemma now is that if it doesn’t matter to me, why am I there? And what does matter to me? Are the answers to those two questions connected in any way. I don’t have any conclusive answers yet. I am still thinking about it. Probably will be for awhile. Until some clarity comes, I will still be there, filling my spot on Sunday mornings., giving God a chance this year.
