#reverb10 : core story

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December 31 – Core Story

What central story is at the core of you,

and how do you share it with the world?

(Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month.

Look through them to discover a thread

you may not have noticed until today.) (Author: Molly O’Neill)

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Well, I have just read through my responses to the past thirty prompts and the thing that I notice is that I refused to be limited to a singular definition.  I don’t like the pigeonhole. The minute that someone tries to define me or to claim they know me because of this or that or the other, I find a way to redefine.

It’s my inner drive to be unique. (if you are into enneagrams, yes, I am a four … here’s another link)

That is the core of me, of my story. I can look back over my life journey and I can see that has been my path all along.

But how is my story part of the great world at large?  If I am the individualist always searching for my own uniqueness, how does that contribute to the other stories out there?

I believe my quest brings up wonderful things in me. Discovering myself as a woman, as a feminist, as an artist, as a lifelong Christian who needs that to be redefined, as a wife and mother and grandmother.  I think that my words here, my art, my conversations about ALL of those things intersect with other stories in the world and it is my hope that when they do, others will be encouraged and inspired.

No matter if I do seek to be unique, I don’t want to be alone.  And i don’t think others want to be alone either.  So I am happy to join my story with yours and yours and yours.  It may be for only a moment or for years to come but it will be an adventure in discovery, in knowing.

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And with this, #reverb10 comes to an end.

It has been WONDERFUL!!!

Thank you all for organizing and contributing.

#reverb10 : gift

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December 30 – Gift Prompt: Gift.

This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable.

What’s the most memorable gift

tangible or emotional, you received this year?

(Author: Holly Root)

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Chris and I celebrated our twenty-fifth anniversary in 2010.  I remember taking that vow to be with him and him alone for the rest of my life.  Not sure then that I really believed it would be a lifetime commitment for the both of us.  Yes, I said the words. Yes, he said the words.  However, though Chris’s family is full of lifelong marriages I had little experience of seeing that in my family.

Even my own mother reminded me often that I couldn’t expect it to last and that there are no guarantees. She is right. There are no guarantees and it just doesn’t happen because you expect it to.  Chris and I have worked very hard to stay together and to build a life for ourselves and our children.

The less tangible gift that I was given this year is the ability to look into my husband’s eyes and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this marriage will last. If past behavior predicts future behavior, I can count on this man to stay and he can count on me to stay (and he can also count on me to make our life together challenging, fun and still a bit unpredictable but that is probably another post).  I know that we both will continue to give our effort and our energy into loving each other and making this entity that is us healthy and strong.

Now, the tangible gifts that I have received this year? Oh my.  I got my master bedroom back, finished and painted a beautiful turquoise blue.  I got to see James Taylor and Carole King in concert together. And the ultimate?  To celebrate that twenty-five years together, we took our kids to Disney World!

It was a good year.

#reverb10 : defining moment

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December 29 – Defining Moment

Describe a defining moment or series of events

that has affected your life this year.

(Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice

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The defining moment or series of events or accumulation of days is my being a work-outside-the-home woman now.  Nothing else has defined me or is redefining me like this experience has and is.

I have wondered about the rightness of this choice to go back to work after twenty-five years of being a stay-at-home mom.  Not that I wanted to exclusively continue that role but I had other plans in mind.  College. Art. I have had to ask myself several times this year did taking this job hinder those plans.

The answer to that is no. Working in the bookstore is helping me see that I am capable, that I have good ideas, that I have something to offer.  I am not sure that I was convinced of that yet.  It was a thought, a theory in my head but not one that was tested. Now I know.

My working outside the home is helping all of us become more independent while also working better together as a team. There have been and probably still will be rough spots as we constantly balance our schedules and activities but we are all learning.

This job is teaching me how to plan better, how to fit my projects into the time that I have. And quite simply, I really like my job.  I don’t think there is anything that I don’t like about my job … well, filing isn’t my favorite thing to do.  But I enjoy talking to the customers and helping them find books. I am growing more confident in that each day. I like helping design the displays and even just wrapping the books for shipment.

A great big thank you goes out to the owner of our bookstore.  She took a chance hiring someone who hadn’t been employed in twenty-five years and who is still homeschooling five children at home.  I came to her quite unsure, quite diffident.  For all the bravado that I can show, I really struggled to begin with and wasn’t sure that I could keep up the pace, that I could learn what I needed to in order to become not just an employee but someone who could really contribute something to the store.

I am seeing now that the definition was already there for me.  I am a wife, yes. a mom, an unschooling mom, yes. But I am also a bookseller. One who is excited to continue working and also to see what definitions, what defining moments are waiting in 2011.

What about you?  What’s defined you this year?

#reverb10 : achieve

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December 28 – Achieve

What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year?

How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it?

Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful?

Write that feeling down.

Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do,

or 10 new thoughts you can think,

in order to experience that feeling today.

(Author: Tara Sophia Mohr)

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There’s a list of things I want to achieve, that I need to achieve, have to achieve.  As I sat to write about it and choose one and brainstorm as the prompt suggested, it all began to sound redundant. I’ve written about it before … go to college, learn with my children, serve in my community.

I don’t think these prompts are designed to give us an opportunity to repeat ourselves over and over but to look inward, peel back another layer and discover what is at the core.

In my letter to myself regarding my future self I wrote,

“I know that you resist structure but it is needed. Do all that you can to maintain some strong daily rhythms. Only in being disciplined and prepared will you be able to enjoy the spontaneous moments of life. Plan for time well spent with those you love.”

Structure. Rhythms. Disciplined. Prepared.  …. I can add habits and practices and rituals to the list as well.

I think all that I want to achieve … and not just projects but also peaceful environments, mental stimulation, emotional stability, financial security is hinging on being self disciplined, building a structure, taking time to be prepared, establishing daily rhythms, incorporating habits and practices and rituals. It’s all different ways of saying the same thing.

Much of what I complain about, many of the obstacles that I perceive are of my own making because I am not focused, I am not practicing life very well. I am letting myself get pushed and pulled along instead of having a plan.

I also wrote something about the fact that very little in our lives is truly urgent. But because of lack of planning and preparation many things seem urgent. Putting things off until the last minute doesn’t create a peaceful atmosphere.  It’s frantic and hectic. And it is in my control to make a change.

It’s taken me this long and this much writing to figure out exactly how to define what I want to achieve ….

boundaries

I think that is the key to being accomplished, to feeling peaceful, to experiencing freedom.

I need time boundaries, food boundaries, emotional boundaries, financial boundaries, personal boundaries.  I know that within the construct of limits there is incredible freedom. Defining myself as an artist, I misused the label and identity. Being free-spirited became so unfocused and so unscheduled that I created little. I want to feel free and peaceful.

Ten things to experience that today?  Eh, not sure that’s the best use of the rest of this post.

Here are the things that I will be doing the rest of this week in order to start establishing boundaries.

• buying a wall calendar.  So many schedules to juggle requires that.
• updating and utilizing the cozi calendar again. (yes, it may seem redundant but if the internet is down, we can’t access our schedule)
• making a standard menu plan with built-in flexibility for that creative cooking that I enjoy.
  
• re-establishing my go to bed time and my wake up time
• scheduling time for my creative work
• making time for physical practice and spiritual practice
• meeting with Chris to establish some financial boundaries
• brainstorming learning objectives with the kidlets
• meeting with the adults to define our home boundaries
  
• implement some housekeeping routines

There’s more I am sure.  But another boundary that I need to be consistent with is not trying to do more than I can at any one time.  Small steps. One thing at a time. Just the next thing.

What about you?  What do you want to achieve in 2011?  How are establishing boundaries and routines into your life?

#reverb10 : ordinary joy

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December 27 – Ordinary Joy

Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments.

What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

(Author: Brené Brown)

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Chris and I visited the Carl Sandburg home in Flat Rock, NC last year for our anniversary. Besides the books that cover almost every wall and surface, we were most interested in the dining room. Our guide told us that the dinners in the home would last for several hours. Everyone on tour with us was incredulous … except us.

Dinners that last several hours are very common for us. We eat, we talk, we eat a bit more and talk and talk and talk.  Sometimes I just sit back and listen. The kids have aged to a point that now they are beginning to tattle on themselves about some of the things they did that I didn’t know about.

“Hey do you remember the time we put Drew in a plastic bin and pushed him down the slide?”

“I loved playing hide and seek in the dark whenever Amber was babysitting”

“Yeah, yeah .. it was Noah that wrote Stephens initials on the bathroom wall to get him in trouble”

The stories run long, the jokes come fast and furious and the teasing is inevitable.

And those are the moments that I look around that table and my heart just about bursts with joy. So simple but SO grand.

 

#reverb10 : soul food

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December 26 – Soul Food

What did you eat this year that you will never forget?

What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

(Author: Elise Marie Collins)

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There’s only been one thing that I couldn’t stop talking about this year … Salted English Toffee Hot Chocolate from my local coffee shop.  I found a photo and recipe from BlissTree but it is for Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate which I do think tastes different. I like the toffee flavor better.

I had it with a friend, shared it with my husband, took another friend there and then husband delivered a cup to me one day when he picked me up.  It wasn’t quite the same not being in a real mug with a heap of whipped cream though … but still good.

I know, I know … you all thought I would say Mexican Corn that I tried in Epcot.  I did tweet about it over and over. I have since discovered that it is called Elote and is typically an on-the-cob dish. What I ate was off the cob and I am going to alter this recipe.

Can I just say that it is EXCELLENT with your favorite margarita?!?!!

There is a deeper element to this question though.  What did I take into my mouth that touched my soul.  At first, I thought, well, anytime I am with my family and friends around a meal my soul is touched. And that is true. But that’s now the deeper answer. Instead it is inexplicably this:

This is the great mystery in my life. There is so much I don’t know … so much that I am not sure that I believe. But every time, in every situation, with every people, when I take the bread and the wine, the body and the blood … I am being transformed. It is not that my soul was touched … but that it is being touched. Continuously. Perpetually. And I can’t explain it and it is this that somehow keeps me connected and keeps me fighting for my faith.

#reverb10 : photo

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December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year.

Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be.

Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words.

Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

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taken by me, for me

finding the beauty in myself

loving myself and liking myself

boldly sharing myself

and saying

this is who I am

you may not see all of me

in fact, you may never see all of me

that is for the treasured few

but what I do share with you

is good and beautiful and worthy

as is all of me.

#reverb10 : Everything’s OK

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December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK

What was the best moment that could serve as proof

that everything is going to be alright?

And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

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I find this question a bit challenging because I don’t think there is one defining moment but rather lots of little confirmations. No moment of proof but rather many glimmers of hope. And how do we define everything? And how do we define OK? And maybe it’s ok for everything to NOT be ok? Maybe those are the challenges we need to grow stronger, to understand more, to love deeper.

I am not wishing for everything to be OK. My wish is for grace and peace and joy in the midst of it all. In the good and the bad. To mourn well when it is not ok and to celebrate with gusto when it is. To believe during the darkest hours and to doubt even during the brightest.

This year we played games and laughed around the table for hours and lived through months of missing each other. We feasted with simple and rich foods. We rejoiced with new job offers and opportunities and grieved the death of several loved ones.

The ebb and flow of life is just that. I am learning to ride the waves, know that nothing comes to stay. Neither good nor bad. The important thing to remember is to hang on, just hang on until the next good thing comes along.

#reverb10 : new name

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December 23 – New Name

Let’s meet again, for the first time.

If you could introduce yourself to strangers

by another name for just one day,

what would it be and why?

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I really have no desire to change my name, even for a day. No interest in trying to figure out what other name might fit because the one I have fits me just fine.

Cynthia, a moon goddess. How beautiful is that?! Some definitions state that Cynthia is the moon personified. I like that. A reflector of Light. It could be a wonderful and beautiful thing to live that out in this world … a reflector of Light, of Hope, of Strength.

The moon receives it’s light from the sun but at the same time it is a powerful, consistent energy in our world. I can readily accept that for myself, acknowledging that the strength within me comes from something greater than myself. It is a lifelong quest for me to understand that Spirit and Presence within. But at the same time, it is important to acknowledge that the strength is there. I am not a powerless person but one of great influence. That is a name I want to live up to, that I want to embrace.

So no matter what day you meet me, I will look into your eyes and say, “My name is Cynthia”

#reverb10 : travel

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December 22 – Travel

How did you travel in 2010?

How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

(Author: Tara Hunt)

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I took two trips this year. Both to Florida. One to Daytona and one to Orlando.

Both times it was a road trip with my nineteen year old daughter, Molly.

We listened to music. Talked. Laughed. She’s really a wonderful traveling partner. Confident on the road, comfortable driving or navigating, welcoming of chatter or quiet.

Looking toward 2011, I don’t know what traveling I’d like to do. I’m a blank slate in this area. It’s probably a good thing. Despite my desire to stay close to home, to hunker down and just be here and work and play, I am sure opportunities will come swift and sure to venture out into the surrounding world.

There will be trips to nearby towns to enjoy their art museums and parks. There might be a trip or two to the next state to hear a favorite author. We might even take on a couple of camping trips and most definitely there will be some hiking trips.

As for my daughter Molly. She’s definitely going to be traveling next year. A big beautiful trip to Europe. I’d love to be her companion on this ultimate road/air/train trip but this time I will be traveling with her in spirit only.