#reverb10 : future self

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December 21 – Future Self.

Imagine yourself five years from now.

What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead?

(Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago.

What would you tell your younger self?)

(Author: Jenny Blake)

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Five years from now I will be fifty-one years old. Will I feel grown up then? Will I be stepping into my destiny? Will I be through this transition from motherhood to wise woman of age?

Letter to my now self re: this journey to my future self:

Dear Cynthia

You are far more capable than you will ever realize. With strength and grace, you are able to navigate some difficult situations. Remember that you are not alone. There are those you have been this path before, they will help guide you.

I know that you resist structure but it is needed. Do all that you can to maintain some strong daily rhythms. Only in being disciplined and prepared will you be able to enjoy the spontaneous moments of life. Plan for time well spent with those you love.

Your body is shifting and entering a new place. Be gentle with it. Get your rest, drink your water and choose foods to nourish you and to nurture you. Move. Stretch. Dance.

Your spiritual path will become more focused for you this year. You will make your way to a place of comfort and peace. There will be an acceptance of what it is an d a return to some things cherished. The struggle will become less and a season of rest and repose will be prevalent.

You have been in seasons of waiting. You have all the pieces and it is now time to put them order. What you will find when you do that will be your big beautiful life.

Namaste my friend.

and now a note to the past:

Dear 2000 Cynthia,

It’s going to be ok. I know you think that all you’ve tried so desperately to do, with the best intentions, has failed to be productive at all. I know you feel some amount of self-betrayal as the formulas you have been following have proven themselves empty and useless. I know you have discovered that the goals were all the wrong ones anyway.

It’s going to be ok. You will soon be facing more trials and there will be moments that you feel like you have failed in everything and that you might lose it all. Just remember that it is going to be ok. The best I can tell you that you will make no great mistakes in the next ten years. So quit worrying. Somehow through it all, you will know the right things to do and to say. You will know when to be soft and when to be tough. Take encouragement that even when your actions or choices or words have been less than perfect or ideal, still it is going to be ok.

Don’t be afraid to take every wonderful wobbling step that will be before you. You will be exploring places you can’t even imagine and with each step you will shed one more mask that you have been wearing for so long. At the end of this next ten years, you will be so close to your authentic self. Let me tell you … she is beautiful. She is strong. She is able.

See you soon.

#reverb10 : beyond avoidance

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December 20 – Beyond Avoidance.

What should you have done this year

but didn’t because you were too scared, worried,

unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing?

(Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)

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Enroll in college.

That’s the easy answer, the surface answer.  I wanted to be enrolled by Fall of this year and I didn’t enroll. My goal is now for Fall of next year.  But there’s more to it than just this one thing.

What have I avoided?  Stepping into the fullness of me.

Sure my life is busy … working, volunteering, creating, learning with my children, managing our home, caring for my mom, growing, stretching, being a wife, a mom, a mi-mi, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an artist, a bookseller.  But I still haven’t embraced myself fully.

I haven’t forgiven myself

I haven’t believed in myself

I haven’t practiced grace with myself

I haven’t encouraged myself.

I haven’t been kind to myself.

On the surface, I appear confident and able. But I am at war with myself. When the bedroom door closes, I spiral into a pit of self-condemnation.  I try so hard to not let anyone see. I don’t want them to know me like this but I am not even successful at that. Too often it spills out, gushes forth.

Well, now. This prompt took me to where I didn’t necessarily want to go.  But here I am … confessing. Pouring it out.  For all the world ten readers to see.

Let’s connect the dots and create a picture here.

What have I avoided? Myself. being me. becoming all I can be. It is not about all the things I do. Those things don’t define me. Being enrolled in college or not doesn’t define me. It’s how I live my life that matters.

I want to believe that I am not someone who needs to be avoided. In the new year, I want to stop avoiding myself.

#reverb10 : healing

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December 19 – Healing.

What healed you this year?

Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution?

How would you like to be healed in 2011?

(Author: Leonie Allan)

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As it always is

drip by drip

line by line

stroke by stroke

art heals me

And as I look toward 2011,

I won’t wish for anything different.

just my art, thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#reverb10 : try

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December 18 – Try.

What do you want to try next year?

Is there something you wanted to try in 2010?

What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

(Author: Kaileen Elise)

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Some time ago, my friend returned to school.  She received her associate degree just this past May  and is still pursuing her education, bit by bit.  She’s my hero. How she manages the course load that she does while still maintaining the managed chaos that is a large homeschooling family astounds me.

Building on the inspiration that she is living out for me, I started thinking about returning to school. I never went to college; never allowed myself to dream about what I could be beyond homeschooling mom.  But these kidlets are getting older and there is another life waiting for me.  In 2006, I started the journey toward becoming an artist and it has been one full of spits and starts.  Most of the time I feel like I am still waiting for something.

When I first began to consider going to school, I had no idea what I would want to do.  I love creating but for me this is a process of healing, of wholeness. I am not creating a product. I am creating a way to the other side.  One day I was flipping through the webpages of a local college and discovered that they have an art therapy program.  I cannot describe to you what happened in my soul at that moment. It was illuminating, symphonic!  I knew that this was what I was preparing for.

I set myself a goal. To be enrolled by Fall 2010.  But it didn’t happen.  Instead, I started working at bookstore in February and the rest of the year has been spent trying to balance everything … my job, managing housework and meals and laundry, homeschooling, caregiver.

Most of the time, I feel out of balance. If anything, I’d love for this to change in the upcoming year.

But I still want to go to college. I still want to pursue art therapy. And I do not want to interpret this hesitancy as an inner signal that this is not my path.  I need to push through this resistance.

So, for 2011 … I’d like to try to be enrolled in the art therapy program at Converse College in the Fall.

There.

I said it.

I’ve flung it out into the universe.  I know there is work for me to do to accomplish this. It has to be more than just trying. But I am waiting with open arms for the confirmation and encouragement and assurance that this is the right path.

#reverb10 : lesson learned

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December 17 – Lesson

Learned What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year?

And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

(Author: Tara Weaver)

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This year I learned, discovered, became aware of just how much I react and usually over react in the moment.

Ok, now those of you who really know me … STOP LAUGHING!  I know, I know, It is painfully obvious and how could I just now, in 2010, at forty-six, be learning that about myself?

It’s not that I wasn’t aware before. But I really became aware this year at how detrimental it is to me (and of course those around me). Expending that type of energy in the moment without taking the time to think through a reasonable and rational response is draining.  Being the recipient of that type of energy is, well, let’s just say … not good.

Now this seems to be counter to the post I wrote about relying on my intuition.  I’m really not talking about decisions or choices here. I am talking about that immediate emotional response that jumps in and tries to fix things that are not urgent at all.  What really is urgent in our lives?  Very little. Most things can wait until the first emotion dies down and until more information can be collected and until time can be spent in thought and meditation.

As to how I will apply this lesson as I move forward into a new year … well, I have already started handling things differently. I’ve imposed a twenty-four hour rule on myself. No responding until at least twenty-four hours has passed. Honestly, for me, I can’t respond in the first day because then it’s not a response but a reaction, an immediate emotion-filled reaction.  If I take the time to settle myself, to center myself, to meditate, then I may have a chance of being the wise woman that I truly want to be.

#reverb 10 : friendship

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December 16 – Friendship

How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year?

Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

(Author: Martha Mihalick)

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I have this friend, a most treasured friend, she is.  We have been named anam cara, the friend of the soul.  It was an unexpected and uninvited declaration by someone who didn’t know us at all.  Someone who took a moment to approach us and speak aloud what she saw and recognized in us.  I call it the moment we were wed, so to speak, instead of being pronounced husband and wife, we were pronounced anam cara.

That was in January. I am so grateful for that moment because it has been an interesting year. A year that might have brought separation as each of turned inward to discover what is there and turned outward to manifest the beautiful spirit that we each have.  It might have brought separation as our shared experiences became less.

We have walked together through spiritual certainty and through spiritual deconstruction but our reconstruction has not been the same journey. I am in the process of struggling to regain and redefine and reimagine my Christian faith.  She is elsewhere or nowhere or on the edge of somewhere. I won’t try to give words to her place; that is her story to tell.

Here is what I am learning. Love isn’t about what you share in common.  It has been easy to love and to be there for each other when there were so few differences.  Now I am grateful for that reminder of soul friendship when it gets difficult to figure out how to be with each other, how to converse deeply like we always have when the shared language is just not there any longer.  It would be easy to think that this friendship has run its course.

That’s my way of thinking. I am very good at accepting the ebb and flow of life, the ebb and flow of people in my life.  But I am not willing to accept that with this friendship.  I am determined to hold on and to figure out a new way of being with each other. Much the way my marriage has gone through growing pains as my husband and I have become healthier, stronger individuals. We had to learn how to create a healthier and stronger “US”.

I see this friendship going through the same process. She is stronger. I am stronger. We have just have to figure out how “WE” can be stronger.  But I trust that we will.  It’s just not acceptable to turn our backs on the anam cara.  That is something special, something that not everyone finds. I am unbelievably blessed to have mine and I pledge to suffer long to continue to make a place in my life for her.

You are reading, I know you are.  Let me say here what I have been unable to say to you.

It’s a confusing time right now. There’s awkwardness and a sense of uncomfortableness that I have never experienced with you.  It’s painful. It’s frightening.  And just saying this feels SO risky. Because maybe I am sensing something that you are not and maybe this is all just in my own head and maybe you aren’t feeling any of this … but somehow I know that you are aware.

Let’s just be honest. Sometimes I want to walk away. Slowly. Imperceptibly. Let it end if that’s what will happen. It’s too difficult, too much work.  But I can’t. I love you too much. My life would never be the same without you. I believe this thing that is us is worth sticking around for.

So just know that I am here. believing in you. celebrating you. I may not have yet figured out my place in your life as it is spinning in a different direction but I will.  We will.  We have to  … we are anam cara.

#reverb10 : five minutes

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December 15 – 5 Minutes I

imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes.

Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)

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jumping right in … five minutes, the timer is set …

Knowing that it was time to try something new, applying for a job and being so sure that I would get it.  The celebration from my children when I walked back into the room and said, “I start on Monday”

The nervousness of that first day and the continual process of beginning to feel like my contribution matters.

Hot searing pain … of my choice … as I sat for my first tattoo.  A word that I need to be reminded of … GRACE.  It’s my life changing practice, this practice of grace.

Disney World and no way to say that there was a favorite day. It was all magical, simply magical. Fireworks and food.  Snowflakes and parades.  Laughter and sickness. Yes, even the sickness.

Twenty-five years with the love of my life.  No grand acknowledgment (other than Disney World) but just that simple growing each day to know that it only gets better.

Grandkids and sloppy wet kisses and sticky smiles.

Being on the edge of life, death just ahead. Saying goodbye.  Bittersweet moment full of love.

Five minutes is up.  Wow, that was like trying to decide what to grab while running out of a burning house.  But I think I grabbed the most important things.

Great exercise.  Thanks Patti!

#reverb10 : appreciate

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December 14 – Appreciate

What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year?

How do you express gratitude for it?

(Author: Victoria Klein)

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In the past year, I have come to appreciate my body. or to be more specific, the health of my body.

Going into 2010, I had just had a consultation with a chiropractor about starting care to try to resolve an issue I was having with my shoulder.  Though there were definitely obvious adjustments to be made, for the most part, I was … am …  pretty good.  I remarked during that session, “Wow, my body is amazing”

I am forty-six years old with no major or even minor health issues. This body has carried and nurtured nine babies to birth, complication free.  Except for a very little wear and tear, my body is still going strong.  I stand on the cusp of “the change” and that means I don’t quite understand my body as well as I did. My  normal is no longer normal and so far, there is no rhyme or reason.

This has definitely been a year of increasing appreciation for all that my body has given me and I know it is time to give back.  This year I have acknowledged my body more than ever, embracing it, learning to be less harsh toward it, identifying withthe sensual and sexiness of it.

Going into 2011, I purpose to care even more. I want to nurture and nourish my body as my gratitude but also in expectation of many more years of service.

just a note, if anyone knows how to format an image to include a border and knows if I can do this with my wordpress.com blog, please comment and share your knowledge. I don’t like how my photos look without some type of frame. Thanks!

update: I figured it out.

#reverb10 : action

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December 12 – Body Integration

December 13 – Action When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas.

It’s about making ideas happen.

What’s your next step?

(Author: Scott Belsky)

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I am already in the mindset of taking steps.

I’ve finished my common room.

I’ve signed up for this workshop and this class and if I don’t win a spot in this workshop, I will be purchasing it for my Christmas present to myself.

I’ve rejoined the Flock, will be working with Ali all year on my Mosaic and will spend each month on this challenge.

All of these things … what am I making happen?  Art. Creativity. Spiritual Imagining. Healing. Growth.

So many, many steps taken. But what is the next step. The very. next. step.

I believe I must have a flexible schedule that will allow me the time to complete my projects, continue my classes, work at the bookstore four days a week, serve in my faith community, read for my book club, learn with my children, love my husband, meals, laundry, caring for my mom … OH MY!!!  Yes. I need a schedule.

That’s the next step.

#reverb10 : body integration

December 12 – Body Integration

This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body?

Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body,

but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

(Author: Patrick Reynolds)

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Ah, an easier prompt. I wondered if I would get a chance to talk about my body, my relationship with my body and how I want to change that relationship. And here is that chance.

I started becoming very aware of how disconnected I am from my body this year.  I know my body … well, I’ve known it for forty-six years.  Things are changing and maybe that is why I have noticed a disconnection.  Though I believe I haven’t been fully connected, full integrated, ever. I could probably write posts and posts about how my religious experience taught me to distrust my body (and my heart) and fostered a negative relationship with my body … especially as a woman.

But this year, I noticed and I began to yearn to change this dynamic.  This was the year that I began hooping.  It was in those moments of early morning movement that began to make me whole.  A skill that hasn’t come easily and I have so much more to learn but just the simple spinning on my body makes me feel alive, mentally focused, spiritually aware.

(btw, this is not me in this video … LOL!)

Now to the confession. I haven’t hooped in several months. I let Grace, my fifteen year old daughter, have my i-pod after a beach accident took hers.  No music has meant no hooping. I know it doesn’t have to be that way but it is what it has been.

Looking forward, this is the practice that I want to reintroduce to myself.  I need it.  It’s my way of knowing myself and continuing to know myself as I take this journey from motherhood to  … well, I am not ready to say crone yet.  Let’s just say a less physically fertile motherhood.

More than anything else, I want to love the process: