And then there was that time
that I went on a quest to find
that which was not lost.
If ever I write my memoirs, that would be the first line introducing the chapter of my transition years. This season seems to be full of twists and turns, knowing and unknowing, revelations and revolutions. My life, by my own hands, is now on a different trajectory. It is humbling to realize that the choice I made, the adventure I had longed for, was not the best for me. I withdrew from college ten days ago.
With the decision came self judgment. I have struggled with honoring my inner wisdom and acting on it. The voices that reside in my head want to condemn me for not finishing what I start, for not knowing what I want, for flitting from one thing to another. The voices speak untruth.
One clear truth burns in my heart. A truth that I had let simmer down to just a glint and then I lost sight of it. Even when others spoke it, I couldn’t embrace their words. A friend told me last year, “Why are you struggling so much to be who you are? You are already who you are.” I left that conversation in a foul mood. How dare he challenge my journey?! His words came echoing back to me a few weeks ago and I heard my truth in them. I am whole. There need be no grand adventure to prove anything. In fact, I may well be wasting time trying to find myself. I wasn’t lost. I am not lost. I am here.
I am here
Whole and enough
Curious and able
Large and small
Wild and free
What about you? Have you ever leaped headlong into something that really wasn’t the best choice for you? Did you listen to your inner wisdom when it didn’t feel right? I’d love to hear your story.
Let me tell you about the photo I posted above. I wanted to include an image depicting the thought that “I am here.” I actually used that phrase for my search parameters at flickr and that photo came up on the first page. It is a tree that is in my hometown of Greenville, SC. What better way to depict what I am trying to say? My roots are set and I am solid. I am growing though. Ever upward, ever outward. Beautiful.
