The Tattoo’d Lady -or- You have something to give. | Magpie Girl (Rachelle Mee-Chapman)
30 Sunday May 2010
Posted in Waiting
Category Archives: Waiting
I am here.
14 Friday Dec 2007
Posted in Waiting
Tags
I am here.
My soul is quiet, peaceful.
My friend says it is like I am in the season of expectancy. Yes, maybe I am. There is much just over the horizon for us.
There is no hustle and bustle to get there. Hand in hand we stroll up the hill, laughing and sometime crying in remembrance. Often, we stop and sit, soak in the sunlight, enjoying now but all the while, knowing that tomorrow … grand and glorious tomorrow … is waiting.
That’s all.
I just wanted to let someone know that I am still here.
Related Tags: expecting, expectant, expectancy
In Limbo
17 Monday Sep 2007
Posted in Waiting
Tags
I hate it when I think I have the word to describe something but to be sure, I look it up and it means something different … whether entirely different or just slightly different … and doesn’t seem to fit anymore. That has happened this morning. I sit here, tapping on my keyboard in the dark, wanting to express the state in which I find myself … stalled, paused, in limbo. But limbo means a state of being forgotten or disregarded or an imaginary place for neglected things. No, that’s not what’s I mean.
You see, it’s about the Life Profound … I am ready to start living it. But once again, I am shaken back to reality. It’s not something in the future, whether near or far; it’s not something I have to do this, that or the other in preparation for and then I can start living it. However, that mindset creeps in and takes hold and keeps me suspended.
In some ways, I am held back while I wait to finish my art studio … two more coats of polyurethane on the floor and we should be able to put up the shelves and I can set it up … it has taken so much longer than I expected. It has been weeks since I packed everything up and stored it in the nooks and crannies of my bedroom. There are projects that I need to do; projects that I want to do. All that is waiting on the room.
Quite honestly, there is fear residing deep in me; it bubbles up and no one seems to recognize its various manifestations … even I don’t most of the time. I fought for this room …mostly fought myself to come to the place of saying that’s it’s ok to spend the time and money on something for me; something that would nurture my soul. Even as I type that, I am near tears at the thought of all the things that could have been done instead and I worry that I haven’t invested enough in my children. Is it ok that some of the things they want and could really, really use (I want go so far as to say need but then again, I think I need this studio) have been set aside while I create a place for me? What if, after all of this, I don’t really do anything with it or don’t do enough to justify the time and money spent? After all, this isn’t a income generating interest; in fact, it costs money to create.
Maybe it’s that I feel that other parts of my life are in limbo while I work on the studio. Not totally forgotten or neglected, but not a priority. If I don’t take charge of those areas, we will be consumed by mountains of laundry, by an overbooked schedule, by educational neglect. Then I am pulled the other direction and know that if I don’t concentrate on the studio, it will never be completed but be perpetually partially finished. I suffer from fractured occupation … thinking that all of me is needed in different areas to the point, that I think I just shut down. It’s been coming as I have noticed long bouts of fatigue … falling into a deep, deep sleep in the middle of the day and sleeping for hours … and now, a end of summer cold has set in.
Relationally, I feel frantic and fractured. I have always worked very hard at the relationships in my life … with my husband, with my children, with family and friends. Picture me, spinning plates, running from one to the other to the other, trying to keep all these plates spinning. If I don’t, one or another or all, will crash and shatter. What happens when I can’t do it anymore? There is my fear. I have to deal with that; with understanding that none of these relationships can rely solely on my effort. If others in my life, won’t do their part . . . the relationship, the marriage, the friendship … will suffer. There is nothing I can do about that. I can say those words and I think I know that but it is difficult, so, so, difficult to live it out.
I hunger for intimacy; to be known. I have tried to force that into a reality; moments of it have compelled me to continue to strive for that closeness. If I stop trying, will I lose what I most long for? But then again, if I am in danger of losing it because of my lack of effort, did I really have it at all?
Spiritually, I am dry, withered, faded. All the things I used to do to pull myself out of the desert place, are lost to me. They didn’t work then, really. Maybe temporarily, I would be revived but soon I became tired … tired of striving for that intimacy even with God, the one who created me, who does know me.
Maybe the point of all of this is that I need to quit striving, working, straining. I understand that on a spiritual level, sort of. I understand that there is nothing I can do to make God love me more and that He offers me utter rest and peace. What about on a human level though? Doesn’t marriage take work? Isn’t there an effort we have to expend in our friendships, in our family relationships? Isn’t this what I fear from those I know best … ok, so fine, let’s be honest … from him that I know best? Isn’t it his natural tendency to not strive at all and to think that things will just be ok, without having to nurture or maintain? Does that give him permission to withdraw, to neglect, to be unaware?
Where does that leave me, today, at 7:30 in the morning? I don’t know. The children are waking; there is breakfast to be made, clothes to wash, colds to tend to. There is polyurethane to spread, educational plans to make, bathrooms to clean. I am caught in the rushing current of life and the very thing I really want to do, to leap onto shore, put my roots down and live a life profound is hindered by … well, by life. I pray that I will be aware of the moments that make up this day; I will feel them and know them as good and joyful moments; I will …
:::: sigh ::::
my 13 yos just threw up …
Wondering what the point is and wanting to just crawl back in bed . . .
Related Tags: Relationships
